50 Most Ridiculous Jewish Hotel Questions

Written By: David Walles
Purim Humor Kosher Travel

Did you really just ask me that?
Travel with a sense of humor - only at koshertravelers.lmdev.co.uk!

In the spirit of Purim, we share a speech that my wife Chana and I wrote for a friend's bar mitzvah at the Inbal Hotel in Jerusalem. Here's a glimpse at 50 of the most ridiculous questions we get asked!                                       -David Walles

Will we have inter-communicating rooms?
Have the rooms been renovated?

Do our rooms have a view?
What is the view of?

Do the rooms have a balcony?
What is the square meterage of the balconies?

Do the balconies have chairs or sundeck lounges?
Which time of day does the sun shine on my balcony?

What direction do the beds face?
Is there a magnifying mirror in the bathroom, so I can pluck my eye-brows?

Who else is on my floor?
Are their children noisy?

Whose hashgacha is the hotel under?
Will there be separate swimming hours?

If we order room service can we charge it to the master account?
Is there a turn down service on Friday night?

What type of chocolate will be on the pillow?
Are they pareve so we can eat them after the cholent?

Will the challa be glatt Kosher?
Is there a mikveh on the premises?

Do the urinals have sensors or do I have to stay in the loo until after Shabbat?
Under whose hashagacha is the Shabbat toilet paper?

What type of crowd will be there?
How fancy do I have to dress?

Who else is at our table?
Can I see a copy of the guest list?

What tours have you included?
Do we have to pay for them?

Are soft drink and table wines included or do I have BYO (bring your own)?
Are you providing an early kids dinner tonight?

My daughter is a picky vegetarian will there be many options?
It’s my son’s birthday this weekend, can you order a cake for him?

Can I see a copy of the menus for the Shabbat meals?
Will there be prune juice? My husband gets constipated from hotel food.

Are you providing a scholar in residence? Is Rabbi Jonathan Sacks coming this time?
If I can’t make it to your Bar Mitzva can I transfer my rooms to a friend?

Can the kids club look after my 2 year old?
Can we leave all our kids there while I go to sleep (wife) and I walk to the kotel (husband)?

Will I get VIP parking?
Should I check in as a tourist or as an Israeli?

If I register as an Israeli, can I still pay in Dollars?
If I register as Tourist can I pay in Shekels?

Can I pay half dollars and half shekels and get the VAT discounted for the total?
Can you arrange a late check out for me?

What nusach will the davening be in?
Are you providing Shabbat candles? I light 8 candles, hope you have enough for others?

How long will the davening last?
Where did the chazzan do his training?

How long is the bar mitzvah boy's laining going to take?
How many speeches will they be and who is giving them?

We have some friends in Jerusalem that we would like to catch up with, which meal can we sneak them in to? – they don’t eat much.
Will we have to pay tips on our departure?

And lastly, but most importantly, will the colour of the serviettes match the cover of the benchers?

Book your next hotel stay with us and we'll be glad to help you out with these and all other important questions! 🙂 koshertravelers.lmdev.co.uk

What funny questions have you asked/been asked while traveling?

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